Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
