we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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