If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
