i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
