Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
