no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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