last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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