I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
