Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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