ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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