this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
