im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
