Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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