if i can run in heels then i can drive
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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