It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
