somebody snuck up and got me drunk
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize