He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
