my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
mondays should just be called national damage control day
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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