i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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