90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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