I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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