So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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