So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My underwear smells like fireworks.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
