I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i came on her dog
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
