Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize