You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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