Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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