Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
