im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
