I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
