I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I smell like Dick and happiness
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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