I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
