Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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