Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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