Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
