He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
