Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
