I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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