My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
smell my finger.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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