I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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