my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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