I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
