question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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