So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
