I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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