OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
