We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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