Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
