mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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