One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
