Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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