I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize