I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
