This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
