There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
