I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
