dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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