I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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