a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you didnt know i had herpes?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
