I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
