Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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