I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
