the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize