NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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