I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
