I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
