Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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